ÿþ01:01:20:15 01:01:22:20 (MUMBLING)
01:02:47:20 01:02:49:03 Cloffing.
01:02:50:10 01:02:51:15 Prunk.
01:02:52:15 01:02:53:18 Shote.
01:02:54:11 01:02:55:12 Cucking.
01:02:55:14 01:02:56:18 Skank.
01:02:57:05 01:02:58:09 Fusk.
01:02:58:17 01:03:00:02 Pempslider.
01:03:00:20 01:03:03:00 No, we weren't going to use that one.
01:03:03:05 01:03:05:04 -Weren't we?
-No, if you remember, that's, you know,
01:03:05:06 01:03:06:20 that's a bit too much.
01:03:06:22 01:03:08:10 -What, pempslider?
-(SHUSHING) Yes.
01:03:08:12 01:03:09:16 Sorry. Right.
01:03:10:06 01:03:12:16 Lastly, pim-hole.
01:03:12:19 01:03:14:03 Ha!
01:03:14:11 01:03:16:20 So, here it is, ladies and gentlemen,
01:03:16:22 01:03:20:14 please welcome our first sketch,
crammed with these viscous swearwords.
01:03:21:20 01:03:24:20 Erm, now, then, Sergeant Henderson,
perhaps you'd care to tell the court
01:03:24:22 01:03:27:08 what the accused said at the moment of arrest.
01:03:27:10 01:03:29:20 Yes, sir. May I consult my notes, my lord?
01:03:29:22 01:03:32:15 Certainly, certainly, certainly. By all means, yes.
01:03:33:04 01:03:36:23 I apprehended the accused
and advised him of his rights.
01:03:37:00 01:03:41:09 He replied,
''Why don't you ram it up your pim-hole?
01:03:41:11 01:03:43:24 ''You, fusking cloff-prunker.''
01:03:44:23 01:03:45:24 (GAVEL POUNDING)
01:03:46:01 01:03:49:17 Now, forgive my ignorance, Mr Clarkson,
but what exactly is a ''cloff-prunker''?
01:03:49:19 01:03:52:03 -Er, well, my lord, it's a...
-Yes.
01:03:52:05 01:03:55:08 -An illicit practice, whereby one person...
-Well?
01:03:55:10 01:03:57:16 Er, whereby one person...
01:03:57:18 01:03:58:19 (CLEARING THROAT)
01:03:58:21 01:04:01:01 frangulates another's plimp, my lord.
01:04:01:17 01:04:02:19 (GAVEL POUNDING)
01:04:02:21 01:04:04:05 Silence! He does what?
01:04:04:16 01:04:09:04 He or she gratifies the other party
by smuctating them avially.
01:04:09:08 01:04:11:03 Good God!
01:04:11:16 01:04:14:22 How absolutely disgusting!
Do people really do that sort of thing?
01:04:14:24 01:04:16:05 I believe so, my lord.
01:04:16:07 01:04:18:14 -Very well. Carry on.
-Thank you, my lord.
01:04:18:16 01:04:20:18 Erm, so, Sergeant Henderson,
01:04:20:21 01:04:23:07 after you arrested the accused,
you took him to the police station.
01:04:23:09 01:04:25:09 Do you have a transcript
of the interrogation that ensued?
01:04:25:11 01:04:26:20 I have, sir, yes.
01:04:26:22 01:04:30:02 I asked him if he could explain
his whereabouts on the night in question.
01:04:30:04 01:04:34:24 He replied, ''I was in all night, wasn't I,
you pempslider?''
01:04:35:01 01:04:37:04 -''Pempslider''?
-Er, yes, my lord...
01:04:37:06 01:04:40:16 No, thank you, Mr Clarkson.
I'm not entirely ignorant in these matters.
01:04:40:18 01:04:42:01 I beg your pardon, sir.
01:04:42:03 01:04:43:23 I did go to Winchester, you know.
01:04:46:02 01:04:48:05 Er, so, Sergeant?
01:04:48:08 01:04:52:16 Um, he said, ''Skank off, you cloffing cuck!
01:04:53:00 01:04:56:10 ''You're all a load of shote-bag fuskers,
01:04:56:12 01:04:59:23 ''so prunk that up
your prime-ministering pim-hole.''
01:05:00:00 01:05:01:11 (ALL GASPING)
01:05:02:07 01:05:03:23 And what did you say to that?
01:05:04:00 01:05:07:12 Er, I told him to mind his (BLEEP) language,
my lord.
01:05:07:14 01:05:09:09 I should bloody well think so.
01:05:12:14 01:05:17:00 Well, I thought the whole thing was,
erm, disgusting.
01:05:17:02 01:05:19:04 The whole thing was simply disgusting.
01:05:19:06 01:05:21:11 -Yes, did you...?
-And there was no warning given
01:05:21:13 01:05:24:14 (STUTTERING) as to what was in store.
None whatsoever.
01:05:24:16 01:05:25:23 We have the producer with us...
01:05:26:00 01:05:28:18 Now, for goodness sake,
what if my children had been watching, hmm?
01:05:28:20 01:05:30:21 I mean, no thought had been given to this at all.
01:05:30:23 01:05:34:08 -Did your children actually see the programme?
-No, no, no, no. No, they didn't.
01:05:34:10 01:05:38:07 They didn't see it, no.
But only thanks to the purest of good fortunes
01:05:38:09 01:05:40:17 that they don't actually happen
to have been born yet.
01:05:42:06 01:05:45:12 Otherwise, I dread to think
what damage may have been caused.
01:05:45:14 01:05:47:06 It was simply disgusting.
01:05:47:10 01:05:49:15 -Yes, I think...
-Simply disgusting.
01:05:50:12 01:05:51:22 Turning...
01:05:52:10 01:05:54:14 LAURIE: Simply disgusting.
01:05:54:22 01:05:57:09 So, Colin Essdale, you're producer,
01:05:57:11 01:06:01:12 -do you feel, Colin, that you...
-Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
01:06:02:10 01:06:05:08 This is obviously a very difficult problem.
01:06:05:14 01:06:08:23 Perhaps, it might help if I explain
01:06:09:00 01:06:13:04 that I don't give a flying toss about Mrs Barrett
or her feeble views.
01:06:13:24 01:06:15:13 Well, erm...
01:06:16:05 01:06:17:10 I beg your pardon?
01:06:17:12 01:06:20:01 Now, I've only got an estimated, erm...
01:06:20:18 01:06:22:22 4 7 years left on this planet
01:06:22:24 01:06:25:04 and I don't propose to waste any more of them
01:06:25:06 01:06:29:06 in idle chatter
with a confused old gasbag like you.
01:06:30:14 01:06:33:10 So, I'm off to talk to a friend
about making another programme,
01:06:33:12 01:06:38:12 which I fully expect and hope that will irritate you
and your half-witted friends even more.
01:06:38:14 01:06:40:03 (CHUCKLING) Goodbye.
01:06:43:01 01:06:47:13 So, Mrs Barrett,
are you satisfied with what you've heard?
01:06:49:16 01:06:51:19 -Well, not really, no.
-Tough.
01:06:51:23 01:06:54:06 Colin Essdale, a last word from you?
01:06:54:23 01:06:56:02 Pim-hole.
01:06:56:19 01:07:00:07 I had shares in gas, water, electricity, the lot.
01:07:00:11 01:07:03:04 But then the government sold them all,
unfortunately.
01:07:04:00 01:07:07:02 Yes, I've had sexual intercourse with her, yes,
01:07:07:04 01:07:08:23 but only in the biblical sense.
01:07:14:07 01:07:15:14 Ah, good morning.
01:07:16:05 01:07:18:06 Sir, it is a good morning.
01:07:19:01 01:07:21:12 Sir is handsomely right to say so.
01:07:22:01 01:07:23:05 Yes, right.
01:07:23:07 01:07:26:00 Was sir aware, I'm in the business of wondering,
01:07:26:02 01:07:29:24 that I made so bold as to remark
to the youngest of my mothers earlier today
01:07:30:01 01:07:33:18 on the goodness of the morning,
as she wheeled me into an upright position?
01:07:34:05 01:07:36:13 Was sir in an awareness of that?
01:07:37:10 01:07:39:01 Er, no. No, I had no idea.
01:07:39:10 01:07:42:06 ''Here is a morning, mother of my bosom,''
I averred,
01:07:42:08 01:07:44:02 ''as fine and crisp and gutty
01:07:44:04 01:07:47:04 ''as any since the days that Compton and Edrich
opened for England
01:07:47:06 01:07:50:20 ''and the sun never went down on the British
without asking permission first.''
01:07:53:09 01:07:56:15 -Did you?
-Sir, I did. I did, sir.
01:07:57:04 01:08:00:14 And if two broad-shouldered,
long-fingered young men such as ourselves
01:08:00:16 01:08:02:14 can come independently to the conclusion
01:08:02:16 01:08:05:24 that the morning they are currently experiencing
is one of a goodness,
01:08:06:01 01:08:08:09 then one of a goodness it most assuredly is.
01:08:09:04 01:08:10:09 -Really?
-Really, sir,
01:08:10:11 01:08:13:18 and you can spank me quietly
with a chamois leather if it isn't, sir.
01:08:15:10 01:08:17:21 -Aha. Now...
-But sir didn't come into this shop
01:08:17:23 01:08:20:02 to trade insults with me
on the state of the morning,
01:08:20:04 01:08:24:05 unless I'm more vastly mistaken than a man
who thinks that Hilaire Belloc is still alive.
01:08:24:23 01:08:26:05 No, no, I...
01:08:26:07 01:08:27:23 Do sit down, sir.
01:08:28:00 01:08:30:07 Oh, thank you very much.
01:08:30:09 01:08:35:20 No, sir has brought his fine, handsomely-wrought
young frame into this shop
01:08:35:22 01:08:40:06 with the express purpose of going about
the business of buying some jewellery.
01:08:40:08 01:08:43:23 -Am I close to the mark?
-Er, yes. That's more or less right, yes.
01:08:45:05 01:08:47:05 Do you mind if we stand up, sir?
01:08:47:12 01:08:51:06 I think perhaps your sitting down idea
was a little ahead of its time.
01:08:52:13 01:08:55:14 Er, yes, now, the thing is,
I'm getting engaged next week...
01:08:55:16 01:08:57:07 Would you like an Opal Fruit?
01:08:59:10 01:09:02:07 A nice strawberry Opal Fruit,
or indeed any flavour?
01:09:03:02 01:09:05:19 Oh, well, yes, that'll be very nice, thank you.
01:09:06:02 01:09:07:17 I won't be long.
01:09:11:19 01:09:12:23 Where are you going?
01:09:13:00 01:09:14:07 -Where am I going?
-Yes.
01:09:14:09 01:09:17:14 There is a sweetshop
not two miles away from here
01:09:17:16 01:09:20:00 and I happen to know that they sell Opal Fruits.
01:09:20:02 01:09:22:11 No, no, no. Really, don't bother.
01:09:22:13 01:09:23:23 -Don't bother?
-No, really.
01:09:24:00 01:09:27:00 Is sir in absolute possession of sureness
in this regard?
01:09:27:02 01:09:28:24 I just came in here for an engagement ring.
01:09:29:01 01:09:31:19 I merely thought that if you, you know,
if you had an Opal Fruit on you...
01:09:31:21 01:09:34:09 On me? Sir, I have no Opal Fruit on me.
01:09:35:01 01:09:38:09 I can and will go further,
I have never had an Opal Fruit on me.
01:09:38:11 01:09:41:08 Perhaps sir would like to check
the top of my head if he remains unconvinced.
01:09:41:10 01:09:43:20 No, look, can we just forget about the Opal Fruit?
01:09:43:22 01:09:46:20 The Opal Fruit is irrelevant.
Can we just concentrate on the engagement ring?
01:09:46:22 01:09:49:06 Sir, I am chastened and bowed.
01:09:49:08 01:09:53:12 Ever the man of affairs,
sir has reminded us all, all of our duty.
01:09:53:14 01:09:56:01 -An engagement ring for sir.
-That's right.
01:09:56:03 01:09:59:01 What flavour of engagement ring
have you in mind?
01:09:59:08 01:10:00:19 Flavour? What are you talking about?
01:10:00:21 01:10:03:15 Just my little joke. You'll humour a dying man.
01:10:03:24 01:10:09:06 We have a large range of engagement rings
which I would ask sir to cast over with sir's eyes,
01:10:09:08 01:10:11:21 which I cannot help but notice,
are of a startling cobalt blue
01:10:11:23 01:10:15:21 that would go very well with the wallpaper
in one of my god-niece's back rooms.
01:10:16:24 01:10:19:02 -Right, I'm leaving.
-How about this one, sir?
01:10:19:04 01:10:21:00 -What?
-This one here, sir.
01:10:23:00 01:10:25:23 Er, well, yes, that's quite nice.
01:10:26:00 01:10:28:14 Sir, the issue of the ''quite niceness''
of this particular ring
01:10:28:16 01:10:31:01 has been raised
in Prime Minister's Question Time.
01:10:32:15 01:10:34:00 Well, how much is this one?
01:10:34:02 01:10:38:03 I would be wrong to let it go
for more than 40,000 of your Earth pounds.
01:10:42:16 01:10:44:04 £40,000?
01:10:44:06 01:10:47:09 I would be equally at fault
if I let it go for less than 90.
01:10:49:08 01:10:52:10 Right. So, it's between £40,000 and £90.
01:10:52:12 01:10:55:08 Sir is as dogged in his pursuit of detail
01:10:55:10 01:10:58:22 as Roy Walker,
presenter of the never-popular Catchphrase,
01:10:58:24 01:11:02:00 is dogged in his pursuit of a thick earlet.
01:11:03:14 01:11:06:24 Yes, perhaps you could,
in preference to me walking out of here
01:11:07:01 01:11:11:23 just after hitting you very hard in the face,
just tell me the frigging price.
01:11:12:21 01:11:16:09 Since sir has been kind enough
never to be Peter Sissons,
01:11:16:11 01:11:20:19 I can let him have it for 21 8 poundingtons.
01:11:20:21 01:11:22:06 £21 8?
01:11:22:08 01:11:25:02 200 and 1 8 pounds that should be.
01:11:26:23 01:11:30:04 -That's what I said.
-That's what you said, I barely spoke at all.
01:11:30:11 01:11:33:01 Right. Well, could you put it
in a presentation box, please?
01:11:33:03 01:11:35:15 There's no need, sir, I'll wear it straight away.
01:11:37:09 01:11:39:18 -I beg your pardon?
-And I really think you should talk to Father.
01:11:39:20 01:11:41:08 He's upstairs in the cellar.
01:11:42:14 01:11:44:04 Right, now I really am leaving.
01:11:44:06 01:11:45:21 Leaving? But we're engaged.
01:11:45:23 01:11:47:04 Goodbye.
01:11:47:06 01:11:48:12 (DOOR SLAMMING)
01:11:49:06 01:11:51:02 Men are such bastards.
01:11:53:20 01:11:57:18 I can still remember my first ever girlfriend.
01:11:58:02 01:12:00:15 Er, her name was Latifah.
01:12:01:18 01:12:07:03 And she was something like the chief engineer
on a Syrian minesweeper.
01:12:08:10 01:12:10:15 I met her at a party in High Wycombe. Nice girl.
01:12:10:20 01:12:12:14 A bit soppy, but nice.
01:12:12:19 01:12:15:19 Er, and then there was Judith.
01:12:16:13 01:12:18:09 Judith was amazing.
01:12:18:11 01:12:20:09 I met her... Let me see,
01:12:20:12 01:12:26:12 at the semi-final of The Daily Telegraph
crossword competition in...
01:12:27:15 01:12:31:03 I can't remember when.
Peterborough, I think it must've been.
01:12:31:14 01:12:35:23 And she cheated, I'm afraid.
She had a dictionary hidden in her tights.
01:12:36:13 01:12:38:12 But then, so did I.
01:12:38:21 01:12:40:08 Erm, Judith...
01:12:42:04 01:12:44:21 Judith worked for the Baader-Meinhof group.
01:12:44:23 01:12:47:00 Er, I don't know what as.
A secretary or something.
01:12:47:07 01:12:51:02 But she was the one who introduced me to Lola,
who I eventually married.
01:12:51:11 01:12:52:23 Quite by accident, as it happens.
01:12:53:00 01:12:58:00 Lola was flying VC-1 0's for British Airways,
or BOAC as it was then.
01:12:58:08 01:12:59:19 And, er,
01:13:00:03 01:13:04:00 I was onboard when she did this
emergency landing in Helsinki.
01:13:04:08 01:13:06:08 Er, because of an undercarriage failure
or something,
01:13:06:10 01:13:10:19 and I went forward to congratulate her
on this brilliant piece of flying.
01:13:10:23 01:13:13:16 And she didn't speak any English at all,
01:13:13:18 01:13:16:18 and I only have a smattering of Hebrew.
01:13:17:08 01:13:19:03 So it wasn't until the next day that I realised
01:13:19:05 01:13:22:02 that I'd actually mistakenly
asked her to marry me.
01:13:22:11 01:13:25:00 Er, she died at the ceremony.
01:13:25:07 01:13:27:15 Which was very sad 'cause I really did love her.
01:13:27:17 01:13:31:09 Er, but she was in her eighties
or early nineties, if I remember.
01:13:31:11 01:13:33:19 So it was a good innings, anyway.
01:13:35:10 01:13:38:10 And then after Lola there was, er...
01:13:40:00 01:13:41:01 Felicity.
01:13:42:05 01:13:45:10 Who was, I suppose...
I suppose you call her a piss artist.
01:13:47:01 01:13:48:19 I mean, she was really a piss artist.
01:13:48:21 01:13:52:02 She used to daub
these enormous canvases with urine.
01:13:54:01 01:13:56:05 Not hers, I don't think, but I could be wrong.
01:13:56:07 01:13:58:07 Dora, who...
01:13:59:06 01:14:03:09 I don't really remember much about Dora,
except that she was immensely tall.
01:14:03:11 01:14:05:21 She was well over seven feet tall.
01:14:06:03 01:14:07:16 You know, really tall.
01:14:10:12 01:14:14:12 Oh, yes. She used to have these sneezing fits
whenever she went to the theatre.
01:14:14:14 01:14:16:22 It was only the theatre that did it, funnily enough.
01:14:16:24 01:14:18:17 'Cause I remember we, er,
01:14:18:19 01:14:22:24 we had tickets to see the second night
of Look Back in Anger, in Lisbon.
01:14:23:07 01:14:24:17 And...
01:14:25:03 01:14:27:23 You know, almost before it had started,
there she was just sneezing away.
01:14:28:00 01:14:32:06 We left. Couldn't... Didn't see any of it.
Still haven't seen it, in fact.
01:14:33:07 01:14:37:02 Er, then after Dora, let me see,
who came after that, hmm...
01:14:38:00 01:14:41:08 LAURIE: It's weird, isn't it?
I mean, where to they find these people?
01:14:41:10 01:14:42:13 FRY: I know.
01:14:42:15 01:14:46:22 LAURIE: I mean, nobody has actually
come out of a barbershop looking like that.
01:14:48:10 01:14:49:18 Oh, well, anyway.
01:14:52:24 01:14:56:12 Now, ladies and gentlemen, mystery objects.
01:14:56:14 01:14:59:19 I wonder, how many of you can guess what this is.
01:15:00:03 01:15:01:20 Er, any ideas, Stephen?
01:15:01:22 01:15:03:20 -No, not really.
-No?
01:15:03:22 01:15:05:08 Oh, unless...
01:15:05:17 01:15:07:20 Ah, are we going back to 1 974?
01:15:07:22 01:15:10:09 1 974, that's absolutely right. Yes.
01:15:10:11 01:15:13:05 Erm, ladies and gentlemen,
this was one of the stars
01:15:13:07 01:15:17:13 of an episode of Doctor Who, way back in 1 974.
01:15:17:15 01:15:20:23 This was one of the Wondarks
from the Watei galaxy.
01:15:21:00 01:15:23:16 Well, it was the Wondark spaceship,
wasn't it? 'Cause...
01:15:23:18 01:15:25:11 It was, yes, that's right, it was the spaceship.
I'm sorry.
01:15:25:13 01:15:27:23 The Wondarks were played by packets of Silk Cut.
01:15:28:00 01:15:29:14 That's right, yes, yes.
01:15:29:16 01:15:32:09 Anyway, I don't know if we can get
a camera in really close here.
01:15:32:11 01:15:33:16 Can we have a look at this?
01:15:33:18 01:15:36:07 I don't know if you can see that,
but this is actually made
01:15:36:09 01:15:38:15 out of an old Sqezy bottle.
01:15:39:04 01:15:43:03 Er, it's... I know it sort of
gives away the illusion of it,
01:15:43:05 01:15:45:11 but it's amazing to see what they can do,
isn't it, really?
01:15:45:13 01:15:47:17 -They can create an alien world.
-Yeah.
01:15:47:19 01:15:50:05 All for the price of a crap haircut.
01:15:51:12 01:15:52:19 (DOORBELL RINGING)
01:15:55:20 01:15:57:01 -Hello.
-Morning.
01:15:57:03 01:16:00:00 -We're from the Westminster Society.
-The Society, yes.
01:16:00:02 01:16:02:10 And we wondered if we could come in
and talk to you about our aims...
01:16:02:12 01:16:04:00 Is there any chance of us coming in
and talking to you?
01:16:04:02 01:16:07:16 -...and the possibility of you joining us.
-Is there a possibility you may want to join us?
01:16:07:18 01:16:08:24 -Well.
-Oh, thanks ever so much.
01:16:09:01 01:16:10:10 Thanks very much.
01:16:10:12 01:16:14:14 -Thank you. I say, what a lovely front room.
-Yes, what a handsomely proportioned room, yes.
01:16:14:16 01:16:17:17 -It's a lovely front room. Hmm.
-Very nice indeed, very nice front room. Hmm.
01:16:17:19 01:16:21:06 My name is Mr Willis, by the way,
and this is Mr Barraclough.
01:16:21:08 01:16:23:05 Barraclough is my name, yes.
01:16:23:12 01:16:26:21 -No relation, in case you're wondering.
-Sorry?
01:16:26:23 01:16:30:19 -We're not related, in case you thought we were.
-You may have thought we were, but we're not.
01:16:30:21 01:16:33:11 -Why should you be?
-We shouldn't be. That's what I'm saying.
01:16:33:13 01:16:36:23 -He's saying we're not.
-I'm saying we shouldn't be related and we're not.
01:16:37:00 01:16:38:15 -Yes, that's right.
-Hence, the totally different names.
01:16:38:17 01:16:40:25 That's really why we've got
completely different names.
01:16:41:02 01:16:43:04 So, what can I do for you?
01:16:43:06 01:16:44:23 -Well, as I say...
-The thing is...
01:16:45:00 01:16:47:15 -...we're thinking of founding a society.
-...my colleague's really thinking
01:16:47:17 01:16:49:01 of founding a society.
01:16:49:03 01:16:51:21 -And perhaps you'd like to join us.
-And you may be interested in joining us,
01:16:51:23 01:16:52:24 who knows?
01:16:53:01 01:16:54:18 What is the society for?
01:16:55:08 01:16:57:24 -It's, well...
-Well...
01:16:58:09 01:16:59:19 That's obviously one of the things
01:16:59:21 01:17:01:20 -we've got to look at.
-Yes, we obviously have to look at this
01:17:01:22 01:17:03:13 very carefully, indeed, yes.
01:17:03:15 01:17:06:13 Well, all right then.
What is the point of the society?
01:17:06:15 01:17:09:18 I mean, you've got to have a point,
otherwise there's no point.
01:17:10:11 01:17:12:10 -That's a good point.
-That's a very good point.
01:17:12:12 01:17:14:17 Yes, that's a good point, well-made. Hmm.
01:17:14:19 01:17:17:16 I mean, are you going to collect postage stamps?
01:17:19:00 01:17:20:06 -Yes.
-Yes, we are.
01:17:20:08 01:17:22:19 Yes, we are going to collect postage stamps,
definitely, yes.
01:17:22:21 01:17:25:02 Or are you going to practise Highland Dancing?
01:17:25:15 01:17:27:18 -Yes.
-Yes, we'll be doing that as well, yes.
01:17:27:20 01:17:30:12 Postage stamps and Highland Dancing
are very high on the society's agenda.
01:17:30:14 01:17:32:19 Hardly anything higher on the agenda
than those two.
01:17:33:01 01:17:34:06 But you don't know.
01:17:34:08 01:17:36:01 -Know what?
-Know what, precisely?
01:17:36:03 01:17:39:08 You don't know for certain
what the society's going to be for.
01:17:39:10 01:17:42:21 -Well, we've made one or two notes.
-We have made one or two notes, yes.
01:17:42:23 01:17:47:04 -But unfortunately nothing to do with the society.
-No, on a completely different matter.
01:17:47:06 01:17:50:02 So, to answer your question
in the spirit in which it was asked.
01:17:50:04 01:17:51:10 That selfsame spirit.
01:17:51:12 01:17:55:01 -We believe that the society should be run...
-We believe, ideally it should be run...
01:17:55:03 01:17:57:24 -...in the interest of its members.
-...in the interest of its members, really.
01:17:58:01 01:18:00:15 -But as we don't have any members...
-You see, we haven't got any members.
01:18:00:17 01:18:03:13 -we don't really have any interests.
-So, our hands are tied.
01:18:03:15 01:18:05:02 So can you help us?
01:18:05:23 01:18:07:07 Can I make a suggestion?
01:18:07:09 01:18:10:06 -Oh, that's a good idea, suggestions.
-Now, eureka. Suggestions, yes.
01:18:10:08 01:18:12:01 Tuesdays and Thursdays
could be suggestion evenings.
01:18:12:03 01:18:14:11 The perfect evenings for suggestions
would be Tuesdays and Thursdays.
01:18:14:13 01:18:16:14 No, can I make a suggestion now?
01:18:16:16 01:18:20:10 And that is that you come back when
you've decided what the society's going to be for.
01:18:20:12 01:18:22:05 I can't stand here talking all day.
01:18:22:07 01:18:24:06 -Now that is a good idea.
-Now, that, yes, you see...
01:18:24:08 01:18:26:22 -A society for people who can't stand here...
-They can't stand here...
01:18:26:24 01:18:28:21 -...talking all day.
-...talking all day and all night.
01:18:28:23 01:18:30:18 I mean, when you think of the people
who ring on your bell.
01:18:30:20 01:18:31:20 Knock on your bell, yes.
01:18:31:22 01:18:34:22 -That's right. Jehovah's Witnesses.
-There are witnesses to the Jehovah's incident.
01:18:34:24 01:18:38:09 -Charity collectors, estate agents...
-Charity collectors. Estate agents, another group.
01:18:38:11 01:18:40:00 Small boys wanting their ball back.
01:18:40:02 01:18:43:05 Small boys whose ball's accidentally gone
over your fence back.
01:18:43:07 01:18:45:19 Would you be interested in joining such a society?
01:18:45:21 01:18:48:08 Erm, I'm going to have to ask you to leave now.
01:18:48:10 01:18:49:24 -Excellent and wonderful.
-Excellent, yes.
01:18:50:01 01:18:52:16 -Asking us to leave shows a definite...
-Yes, quite right, too. Marvellous.
01:18:52:18 01:18:54:17 -...and absolute commitment to the aims...
-It does. Absolutely.
01:18:54:19 01:18:56:07 -...of a society for people...
-The goals of a society.
01:18:56:09 01:18:58:21 -...who just can't stand here talking all day.
-For that sort of society.
01:18:58:23 01:19:01:01 I'll open the door and I want you to go.
01:19:01:03 01:19:04:10 -Oh, this is wonderful, wonderful commitment.
-Now, you see, what a wonderful member.
01:19:04:12 01:19:07:07 I think I may have to ask you
if won't mind being elected our treasurer.
01:19:07:09 01:19:08:15 Yes, I'll certainly vote for you.
01:19:08:17 01:19:11:05 -I'm going to shut the door now.
-Right.
01:19:11:12 01:19:15:20 -Well, that's one member of our society.
-Yes, one definite member for definite, yes.
01:19:15:22 01:19:18:06 -Shall we try next door? Hmm.
-Why don't we try next door?
01:19:19:08 01:19:20:10 Well...
01:19:20:12 01:19:22:13 Oh, Christ. I've left the iron on.
01:19:23:14 01:19:25:16 Damn it, Peter.
01:19:25:23 01:19:27:03 Thanks, John.
01:19:27:05 01:19:30:01 This is, what can I say, this is good work.
01:19:30:03 01:19:33:04 Well, I kind of hoped we might be
along the right lines there, you know.
01:19:33:06 01:19:35:09 (CHUCKLING) Right lines?
01:19:35:11 01:19:38:01 Damn it backwards into a narrow space, Peter.
01:19:38:03 01:19:42:20 This is set to change the face of Uttoxeter
service and leisure industry forever.
01:19:43:02 01:19:47:06 Jill reckons that from there to full plans,
1 0 days at the most.
01:19:47:13 01:19:51:00 Which means we could have the whole thing
up and running by the 29th.
01:19:51:05 01:19:53:07 -You mean...
-Exactly, John.
01:19:53:12 01:19:55:21 The Derwent Enterprises Board meeting.
01:19:56:10 01:19:58:17 And with something like that
nestling in your hip pocket,
01:19:58:19 01:20:01:02 you could really kick some arse.
01:20:01:04 01:20:02:24 (CHUCKLING)
01:20:09:10 01:20:10:20 What's up, John?
01:20:11:16 01:20:13:18 I was just thinking, Peter,
01:20:13:22 01:20:17:12 can you imagine how Marjorie
is going to react to this?
01:20:17:18 01:20:18:23 Well, at a guess,
01:20:19:00 01:20:23:03 I'd say she's going to be wilder than
a hungry hellcat in a tornado.
01:20:24:09 01:20:26:13 That's putting it mildly, Peter.
01:20:27:03 01:20:28:04 Is it?
01:20:28:06 01:20:29:06 (PHONE RINGING)
01:20:29:17 01:20:31:16 Yeah, Sarah, what is it?
01:20:33:17 01:20:34:22 Hold on.
01:20:35:03 01:20:37:04 John, it's Marjorie.
01:20:37:15 01:20:38:22 Marjorie?
01:20:39:03 01:20:40:20 Talk of the she-devil.
01:20:41:11 01:20:43:02 What the hell, I'll take the call.
01:20:43:04 01:20:46:23 It's not a call, John!
She's outside, wants to see you.
01:20:47:11 01:20:49:23 -Marjorie, here?
-Check.
01:20:52:14 01:20:54:12 Show her in, Sarah.
01:20:56:02 01:20:58:10 John, are you out of your goddamn mind?
01:20:58:12 01:21:00:07 You don't know what it's about, Peter.
01:21:00:09 01:21:02:08 Oh, to hell with what it's about, John!
01:21:02:10 01:21:03:18 Peter, we need to talk.
01:21:03:20 01:21:05:23 -Where and when?
-Round the table, right now.
01:21:06:00 01:21:07:03 I'm on my way.
01:21:08:00 01:21:12:08 John, listen. You and I, we've busted
our hump building up this health club
01:21:12:10 01:21:14:16 with Marjorie gunning for us
every inch of the way.
01:21:14:18 01:21:17:05 Now, now, you're just going to let her
swan in here?
01:21:17:07 01:21:18:20 Now, listen to me, Peter...
01:21:18:22 01:21:20:24 Oh, listen be damned, John.
01:21:21:01 01:21:25:13 Do I have to remind you that that hell-bitch fiend
tried to break us in two, hmm?
01:21:25:15 01:21:26:15 Peter...
01:21:26:17 01:21:29:01 I'm not going to let you do it, John.
01:21:29:03 01:21:30:13 Hello, John.
01:21:32:16 01:21:34:05 Hello, Marjorie.
01:21:35:00 01:21:36:01 Peter.
01:21:37:00 01:21:40:15 -Marjorie.
-I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
01:21:41:03 01:21:44:01 Oh, we were, that is, I, that was, no,
we just, I didn't...
01:21:44:03 01:21:47:10 Are you all right, Peter?
You look a little uncomfortable.
01:21:48:06 01:21:49:09 Yeah, maybe I'll...
01:21:49:11 01:21:52:20 (CLEARING THROAT) Maybe I'll go outside
and get myself a bite of air.
01:21:53:10 01:21:56:22 The atmosphere in here
seems to have got to my stomach.
01:22:00:14 01:22:01:22 You, er...
01:22:02:08 01:22:05:20 You look well, Marjorie. You look damn well.
01:22:06:13 01:22:07:23 New breasts?
01:22:10:12 01:22:11:15 Swiss.
01:22:11:17 01:22:13:03 They suit you.
01:22:13:05 01:22:16:12 I like what you've done to your hair.
It looks much better there.
01:22:18:04 01:22:21:17 Thanks, John. You look pretty fit yourself.
01:22:21:19 01:22:23:06 Fit? Yeah!
01:22:25:04 01:22:28:09 That's one of the perks of running
a health and leisure business I guess.
01:22:28:11 01:22:29:20 That is...
01:22:29:22 01:22:31:13 If I do still run it.
01:22:31:15 01:22:34:19 The meeting will decide, John, you know that.
01:22:34:21 01:22:38:01 Yeah, but who will decide
how the meeting goes, Marjorie?
01:22:38:03 01:22:42:02 Damn it, old man Ashby's in your pocket,
Dexter and O'Neill will do what you tell them
01:22:42:04 01:22:45:19 and Tim will, well,
I guess Tim will jump with the tide.
01:22:46:03 01:22:48:13 Do you still like it straight up?
01:22:49:06 01:22:51:03 Ice, two lumps.
01:22:52:10 01:22:56:08 I do what I do for the boy, John, you know that.
01:22:56:13 01:22:58:13 Yeah, the boy.
01:22:59:17 01:23:02:17 Have you taught him to hate me, Marjorie?
01:23:02:21 01:23:05:18 Hate you? Hate you?
01:23:06:00 01:23:08:07 You'll never really know me, will you?
01:23:08:22 01:23:11:02 Not if I live to be 300.
01:23:12:11 01:23:15:10 Peter resents me.
01:23:16:11 01:23:21:10 Seven damns and a fat blast, Marjorie!
Haven't you given him cause enough?
01:23:21:20 01:23:25:06 Haven't you kept shutting him out,
making him feel an outsider?
01:23:25:08 01:23:26:24 Do you need Peter?
01:23:27:10 01:23:29:12 Do we need Peter?
01:23:29:15 01:23:33:03 Damn it, Marjorie, what are you after?
01:23:33:05 01:23:35:01 (MUFFLED) Yeah, what are you after?
01:23:35:03 01:23:39:08 I just want you to know, that whatever happens
at that meeting this afternoon,
01:23:39:10 01:23:42:07 it wasn't personal. Strictly business.
01:23:42:20 01:23:45:23 I still like you, John, a lot.
01:23:46:21 01:23:49:09 Come here, you, you,
01:23:49:12 01:23:51:08 you Marjorie.
01:23:58:06 01:24:02:01 I'll see you round the boardroom table.
01:24:05:17 01:24:09:11 Yeah, round the boardroom table.
Oh, and, Marjorie...
01:24:09:13 01:24:10:14 Yes?
01:24:10:16 01:24:13:15 Damn you to hell, you're one hell of a woman.
01:24:14:19 01:24:15:23 I know.
01:24:16:10 01:24:18:08 Well, you know where to find me.
01:24:19:20 01:24:21:09 Marjorie, I...
01:24:22:09 01:24:25:17 No, no, John, don't do it! Don't do it!
01:24:25:19 01:24:27:16 Don't you see what she's trying to...
01:24:31:00 01:24:33:13 Damn!
01:24:36:04 01:24:38:21 I suppose they'll be saying
Hitler was a racist next.
01:24:39:20 01:24:42:02 Er, Moira Stuart.
01:24:43:03 01:24:44:21 And Jill Gascoigne.
01:24:44:23 01:24:47:10 Neither of them wrote back.
Can you believe these people?
01:24:47:12 01:24:51:11 I mean, how much trouble can it be
to just bung a pair of stockings in the post?
01:24:53:18 01:24:55:07 Er, letters.
01:24:55:09 01:24:56:15 Letters.
01:24:58:07 01:25:00:15 -More letters.
-More letters.
01:25:01:19 01:25:04:08 -Still more letters.
-Still more letters.
01:25:04:10 01:25:08:02 Sorry, we'll be with you in a moment.
Just got some filing to do.
01:25:08:04 01:25:10:12 Yes, but while you're waiting,
why not sit back and relax
01:25:10:14 01:25:13:20 to the sociable sound of
Joe Loss and His Orchestra.
01:25:13:22 01:25:17:00 (LIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
01:25:17:02 01:25:20:12 -Still more letters again.
-More letters again.
01:25:22:10 01:25:25:23 -Er, yet further letters.
-Yet further letters.
01:25:29:23 01:25:32:04 -Genital fungus.
-Genital fungus.
01:25:32:06 01:25:33:07 (AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
01:25:33:09 01:25:34:12 Oh.
01:25:34:18 01:25:36:03 -Oh, dear.
-Oh, dear.
01:25:36:05 01:25:37:07 -Now, that's a pity, isn't it?
-Yes.
01:25:37:09 01:25:38:14 That's a great disappointment.
01:25:38:16 01:25:41:05 So, you know what this means, don't you?
01:25:41:13 01:25:43:11 You know what this... It's going to mean letters.
01:25:43:13 01:25:47:03 Mmm. We mentioned genital fungus
and some of you laughed.
01:25:48:13 01:25:51:05 We're now going to get
hundreds of thousands of letters
01:25:51:07 01:25:53:01 accusing us of making fun of genital fungus?
01:25:53:03 01:25:55:03 Which is something
we never have and never would do.
01:25:55:05 01:25:57:18 Never, never. Some... Obviously, some of you,
01:25:57:20 01:26:01:07 quite a lot in fact,
seem to find genital fungus, well,
01:26:01:19 01:26:03:13 amusing in some way.
01:26:03:16 01:26:07:00 You know, you're tempted to laugh
at other people's misfortunes.
01:26:08:01 01:26:10:23 My name is Stephen Fry and I'm an alcoholic.
01:26:11:17 01:26:13:16 -Here's one, there's one here.
-Oh, no.
01:26:13:18 01:26:16:15 This one, I told him
that I was an alcoholic and he laughed.
01:26:16:17 01:26:19:19 Alcoholism is one of the most serious
and destructive conditions
01:26:19:21 01:26:21:20 prevalent in this country, and you find it funny!
01:26:21:23 01:26:23:19 -Sicko.
-Creep.
01:26:25:14 01:26:27:13 (WOMAN LAUGHING)
01:26:28:00 01:26:31:04 My great-aunt Mutie died in 1 944.
01:26:31:06 01:26:33:03 (WOMAN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
01:26:35:07 01:26:37:05 She was a good and decent woman!
01:26:37:17 01:26:41:07 But her death to you is just
a source of entertainment, isn't it?
01:26:41:09 01:26:42:09 Oh.
01:26:42:20 01:26:44:21 Please fondle my botty, please?
01:26:46:00 01:26:49:20 Thousands of people are dying every year
because no one will fondle their bottoms,
01:26:49:22 01:26:52:08 -and you find that funny.
-Er.
01:26:52:19 01:26:55:04 -No, no. You see, they're not.
-What?
01:26:55:20 01:26:57:06 -Aren't they?
-No, they are not. No.
01:26:57:08 01:26:59:20 -Oh, I thought...
-No, well, never mind what you thought.
01:26:59:22 01:27:03:20 But no one has ever actually died
from not having their bottom fondled.
01:27:04:06 01:27:06:12 Well, I sometimes feel quite unwell.
01:27:07:08 01:27:08:21 Well, yes, that as may be, but you can't,
01:27:08:23 01:27:11:03 you can't blame this woman for laughing
at bottom fondling
01:27:11:05 01:27:14:01 -because no one genuinely suffers from it.
-MAN: Oh, highly amusing.
01:27:14:03 01:27:16:15 That is not even remotely funny.
01:27:17:22 01:27:21:09 -LAURIE: I'm sorry.
-I'm suffering very badly as it goes.
01:27:25:05 01:27:26:06 Are you?
01:27:26:08 01:27:29:12 I've been told
that I'm going to die within six months,
01:27:29:14 01:27:32:14 unless my bottom is fondled.
01:27:33:02 01:27:34:10 Satisfied, Hugh?
01:27:35:08 01:27:36:18 Oh, bollocks.
01:27:38:03 01:27:41:15 Look, I'm sorry to hear about this
desperate condition. Do you need help?
01:27:41:17 01:27:43:17 Well, yeah.
I mean, I'm at the end of my tether, mate.
01:27:43:19 01:27:47:08 -Yeah. What sort of help do you need?
-Well, you know, I need money.
01:27:47:10 01:27:50:22 -Money, yes, what for?
-Well, to buy vital equipment.
01:27:52:11 01:27:53:17 Vital equipment. Yeah.
01:27:53:19 01:27:55:19 Yeah, a CD player, in fact.
01:27:57:02 01:27:59:01 You know how expensive they are, you know, so.
01:27:59:03 01:28:02:05 Yeah. I'll tell you what, if we all
put our hands in our pockets here tonight.
01:28:02:07 01:28:05:03 Few pounds, £3 each, something like that.
I'm sure we can raise enough money...
01:28:05:05 01:28:07:24 No, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
What is going on here?
01:28:08:01 01:28:09:23 We're having a whip-round
to get this man a CD player.
01:28:10:00 01:28:11:14 No, no, no, I'm sorry.
01:28:11:16 01:28:16:20 No, you, sir, are exploiting the compassion
and generosity of this audience...
01:28:17:06 01:28:20:00 -Hugh. Hugh.
-...frankly. No, no, we're all sorry
01:28:20:02 01:28:22:08 that nobody fondles your bottom.
01:28:22:10 01:28:26:13 You know, that's a damn shame,
but you can't go using that just to get free hi-fi.
01:28:26:15 01:28:30:04 Hugh, you may not be aware of this,
but the new Yamaha 600-RS CD player,
01:28:30:06 01:28:33:05 has an electronic arm that comes out
and fondles your bottom.
01:28:36:22 01:28:38:02 Oh, God.
01:28:38:09 01:28:40:08 Without it, this man will die.
01:28:40:10 01:28:43:23 God, I'm so sorry, I... Well, I mean, I...
01:28:45:05 01:28:46:08 Well, what can I do?
01:28:46:10 01:28:48:17 Well, you can fondle his bottom for starters.
01:28:49:17 01:28:50:24 Well, it's only fair.